Losing a mate through death or divorce……

     I remember reading “Fire or Ice”, poetry (that did not rhyme) debating what would be worse, to burn or freeze forever. THe same debate could be made about loosing a mate to death or divorce.

*the one you chose to spend your life with is still gone. If you have been married for many years (let’s pick….50) your life as you know it is gone. everything changes. Friends act different, the house is empty.

*support and compassion is needed. Regardless of the circumstance, understanding and involvement is necessary. Pain is intense and depression and anxiety can overwhelm.

*friends and family are great… for a few weeks, then expect the person to “get over it”

*faith, prayer and meditation are needed and helpful. Of course, Jesus knows our pain. He felt it first hand, didn’t he.

     We can be a great friend when someone is going through loss. Be there for them. Presence is powerful! Don’t say much. It does not help and there are no magic words. Help the person to get through everyday life. Provide a meal, a movie rental or a companion to go to the store with (just having someone to share the moment with can be so important). Let the person grieve appropriately. Don’t “cheer them up” constantly. It usually doesn’t work and then we are sad. Be a friend. Love them where they are are at and don’t expect too much too soon. Time will heal much but it “takes time”.

(Good divorce blog on danny dodd’s blog.) More next week!

College age retreat Memorial Weekend. Info at http://www.NACofC.org/singlesretreat

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5 responses to “Losing a mate through death or divorce……

  1. Pingback: Losing a mate through death or divorce…… | Divorce Issues, Lawyers, and Headaches

  2. The best thing anyone can do for someone who becomes single due to death or divorce is to continue including them in activities. Too many times, married people feel uncomfortable with an uneven number of people. Or they perceive singles (divorced people especially) as a “threat” to their marriage because it’s too much of a temptation to have a single person around your spouse. So singles are avoided.

    I brought this up a few weeks ago at a meeting with a couple of church elders, and one of them said, “Now you’re making me feel guilty.” He and his wife used to play bridge with a couple, but when the man died, they quit inviting the woman to play with them because they needed a fourth. It would have been such a blessing if they could have taken the effort to find another single person — male or femaile — for their group. The new widow would have found companionship, as would have anothr single person, and the couple still could have enjoyed their bridge.

    I also brought this up to a group leader at a previous church, and she said, “I’ve tried many times to include singles in our group, but I just don’t know how.” Well, just call us and invite us over!

  3. Simplicity is the key to success, isn’t it? So many don’t understand the power of “presence”. I remember being heart broken and SO lonely. I called my friends, Mike and Lynn, and they invited me to go shopping with them (they needed stuff and were going anyway). We walked around the store and nothing profound was said. 13 years later I’m still thankful they allowed me to hang out.

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