Are you angry about celibacy???

I am a product of the seventies. “Broadway”Joe Namath, the bachelor quarterback, thanked the gi     I rls of NY for never being alone. We watched Charlie’s Angels (Farrah), Rockford (for the action) . Mini skirts, spin the bottle, Love Boat, Betty and Veronica, Ginger and Mary Ann (the girls had Bobby Sherman and David Cassidy) and James Bond. Later, disco and dirty dancing. It was the sexual revolution. Women’s lib said, “men are only good for sex, women can work and pay their own bills”. Men cheered!!!

Then I started going to church. Yes, in the 70’s, “I found It” I graduated high school in ’78. I learned that a Christian had a list to keep. Don’t drink, Don’t smoke (the worst sin because you were destroying the temple) and don’t have sex. “So, how far could you go before you are sinning?” I liked church and had good friends, read my bible, told others they were going to hell because they didn’t believe what I did…..

My Dad threw me out of the house at 16. Didn’t need me to tell him where he was going, I guess….I finished school, joined the Army, and straddled the fence. See, I had failed to keep a perfect list. Quit church and got involved…over and over and over….then at 32: divorced and hurting (with a hurricane to rebound from also) I went back to church and discovered repentance and forgiveness. Not a list!

I was alone (emphasis on alone) for 5 years. It was the best years of my life. I traveled. Went back to school. Came and went as I pleased. But, I did miss the intimacy of sex…..And yes, I was a bit angry about the urges and temptations that I was having to learn to live with. What about you??? Yes, many of you are more independent (my brother just went to Finland with friends-couldn’t have done that married). But what about celibacy?


14 responses to “Are you angry about celibacy???

  1. Oh, praise God! Someone is finally talking about this!

    I am 46, divorced almost 10 years, a Christian for the last 4 1/2 of them. I left my first church about 9 months ago — a big megachurch in the wealthy part of the city that was a 35-minute drive away. I realized that I would never be able to hold any leadership or ministry position while I was single, and I wanted something closer to home where I could get more involved.

    I joined a United Pentecostal church in August 2007, and thought I’d finally found a home. The people were VERY friendly and welcoming and were always there in a pinch. But in January, I discovered their “holiness rules” and freaked out. Then I got laid off, so I had some time to do some research into their other strange teachings. So I ran SCREAMING from there.

    And now I’m in another non-denominational church close to home. But I’m not sure things are going to be any different. A few Sundays ago the sermon was about loneliness. At the end, the pastor asked those who were lonely to stand up and the church would pray for them. Only I and three other people stood up! And most of the people couldn’t be bothered to get up off their butts and pray for those who stood. It was very discouraging. I almost left. One woman who prayed for me sent me a note the next week, but I have not heard from her since. So I don’t feel very hopeful that this one will be different.

    I thought when I became a Christian and joined a church that I would find friends, and a new family, and have people around me to help out. If I got really lucky, I would also find a husband. WRONG on all counts. I can count on one hand the number of single men in their 40s that I’ve seen at church. There are no singles programs. The one program for single parents shuffled them and their kids into parenting class, and that was it. Why do evangelicals think all single parents are such terrible parents that they need parenting classes?

    I find that very few Christian women spend time with their women friends. And when they do, they don’t call single women. We are perceived as an immediate threat to marriages, so we don’t get invited to events for married people. (Nothing like being judged an adulterer!) I brought this up to a group leader at my first church, and she said, “I’ve thought many times about including single people in our events, but I just don’t know how.” Why not just call and invite them???!!!

    At this point, I feel like a starving child standing outside a restaurant window and watching all the rich, fat people eat their way through a banquet while I’m outside wasting away. I’ve had a very difficult time spiritually the past year. The first church I went to was very much into contemplative prayer, and I was right along with them. I’ve availed myself to much demonic deception, and I’ve just learned how much this is like TM and other New Age practices. I feel like the church is for the 3 Ws: white, wealthy and wedded. And if you don’t have all 3, well, they’ll let you in the door to worship, but that’s it. If I didn’t have a 13-year-old son, I would probably give up. But I don’t want him to feel that way about God and church, so I keep trying.

    Lately I’ve been feeling like there must be something really wrong with me, or I must have done something to make God really mad, because I’ve been praying for friends this whole time and that prayer has not been answered. Does God think I’m so awful that I’m not fit for human consumption, so he keeps me away from everyone? Or is it that he’s sent people, and they haven’t responded?

    Sorry for the negativity. But in your first post, you said you wanted to hear how we singles feel about church. Sadly, I don’t think much of it. Sometimes I think these people forget that Jesus was single, and so was Paul. They’d never make it in today’s church. They’d be shut out until they showed up with a wife in one hand and cash in the other.

    I’ve bookmarked your blog and will keep checking it. Thanks for giving us a forum!

    About the celibacy: I, too, am a child of the 70s and did the “pick up a different guy every weekend” thing in college. But then I got tired of being used and not forming relationships, so I quit. I decided when I got divorced that I was not going back to that. The best aphrodisiac is love! That said, I also hate the way the church treats me like I’m not a sexual being. And I absolutely LOATHE it when someone says, “Well, Jesus is your husband!” Not, he’s not. He doesn’t do the things that an earthly husband would. When a married person says this to me, they’re really saying, “Well, I’m married, and I have my companionship, support, friends, and help. I live in a larger home than you and have more money than you do. I don’t have to work so I have lots of time to serve. But I’m not going to take the time to get to know you, or help you out, or be your friend. I’d have to get out of my comfort zone to do that, and I’d be exposing you to my husband, which would threaten your marriage. So I’ll just tell you that Jesus is your husband, and you can be alone at home with him. And I’ll remain happily in my comfort zone.”

  2. wow, TLC I hear and feel what you are saying and I will say that I know those feelings and I am sure that there are many others out there that feel the same way. Yes, we go to church to worship but we also go to church to be around like minded people and if we can’t develop friendships outside the church building with like minded people, where will we meet friends? thanks for sharing and we will continue to pray that Father brings friends to us that are good Christians. you know something, i went online to a Christian online dating service but you know what I found? there was not one man that I wrote that truly had a spiritual relationship with Christ and worshipped………….so, tell me why were they on this Christian website? yep, i think i know. oh, yes they believe in Jesus and God but they don’t go much further in that relationship than that. oops, sorry…..that was a judgment call and I don’t like making those but those are my feelings. God bless you my friend

  3. Ladies, This why I started trying to help Christian sinlges years ago. A Christian (married or single) should not have to look around for a church to accept and serve them. Every church should encourage and nurture. So, keep telling me what you need and I’ll keep barking to the big dogs (church leaders). JIm

  4. Unfortunately Jim, one must “church hop” until you find a place to call “home.” I often find that singles are perceived as a threat to married people in the church. I have also discovered that you must ask the church leadership to “feed” you. The right church will do so gladly, but there is no way around trying to mix married people with singles. In a way, I can understand how a married person might be threatened by the presence of a single person. I went to my pastor last summer and asked her for DivorceCare, knowing full well that I would be the only person to start. Now we are up to four people! Sometimes, the church leaders are blissfully unaware of the full needs of their congregation unless you SPEAK UP. As far as I’m concerned, the belief by some who think the church either is responsible for finding us all mates or does singles a disservice by having a singles ministry have it all wrong (see They should serve their congregation “as needed” but you have to tell them what you need. Church leaders are not mind readers but they should be open to helping you get to resources you need.

  5. Well said TLC! I sometimes feel like an outsider and very lonely in my own congergation. I moved here 5 years ago, and one would think that by now people would invite me to do more things with them. A good friend of mine (Krissie) reminds that every time I say what I wish my church would do for me, is exactly what I should do for them. For example, rarely, does anyone call me and invite me to dinner. I wish they would… so what is holding me back and asking a few of the ladies to go out for a dinner and a movie. Don’t get me wrong, as you can read in my last post, I do feel like an outsider and that church is set up for the married w/ kids. Of course… my favorite… when they set something up for the “adults” they mean for the married ones with kids, and since I’m single, I wind up babysitting. Oh joy. I’m just trying to focus on what they do- do for me, and in turn, what I can do for them.
    I am very guilty of expecting a lot and wanting more from those I worship with. We are all human (including those we worship with and those that lead us in that worship) and fall short of the glory of God. I’m trying hard to focus on what strenghens my relationship with Christ.

  6. Oh and about the celibacy~ I have plenty of temptation out there. I too am afraid that others are thinking that I’m trying to steal their husband (or worse that I’m a lesbian) which is totally not happening. How do I ease that tension? Where do I go to find good Christian men? How can I satisfy that desire for companionship?

  7. I agree with a lot of what you all are saying. My church family is very, very oriented towards married people. I guess my biggest problem is that I’m a single mom with a 13 year old son and what I’ve always wanted to see is some of the men in the church to reach out to him and give him good, Christian guidance seeing as he doesn’t have a father in his life at all. That has never once happened. I’ve tried to bring it up with some of the men that I felt would be a good influence but have never had even one follow through. That includes youth ministers, too. I like the metaphor TLC gave about looking inside a restaurant window from the outside. That is exactly how I feel at times.

    Now, with all of that said, I also realize that I go to church to not only get something out of it but to bring something into it. A lot of times, I have to make myself go because of some of these feelings, but I always get something positive from the singing and the message when I apply them to my life. This world is full of imperfect people, including myself. I think a lot of times I expect perfection from the church when I know that it’s not perfect because it’s made up of humans. We ALL have fallen short of the glory of God. So, I have to try to be forgiving and make sure I don’t shut myself off like they are doing. I keep pressing forward and trying to make friends when I can. I’ve kind of given up on the idea of someone actually inviting me into their homes on a personal level, but I do know of people that I could call on at any time and they would help, if only I would ask. Sometimes we expect people to be mind readers and KNOW exactly when we need them and we forget that they are usually only a phone call away. Just like Nichole said!

  8. Wow, this really moved away from the original point…celebacy. My thoughts on that are that sometimes it is easy and sometimes it isn’t. I have been divorced for 13 years and haven’t been sexually active since. I made up my mind that God did not approve of sex outside of marriage and that I needed to do as I was told. And I know He wants us to do that because it’s the best thing for us. Of course, we don’t always want to do what’s best for us, sometimes we just want to do what’s the most fun or pleasing! Satan always chops away at me with temptation when he knows I’m weakest. So, I try VERY hard not to put myself in any tempting situations. I try to stay away from sexually explicit movies or shows because those images never go away and they invade my thoughts & dreams. I also don’t date very often and I only date men that I think I would consider for marriage. Dating someone is eventually going to lead to a physical relationship–that’s a given. I’m not going to even put myself there unless I see that relationship going towards marriage or I’m putting myself and the person I’m dating in a very tempting and eventually frustrating situation. So, I take one day at a time–literally. I don’t think about how I might deal with these problems tomorrow or next week, I take today and work on whatever comes up. And I really don’t care what others think about my celebacy or if they think I’m a goodie-goodie because I fast-forward throught the nude and sex scenes. It really is MUCH more important what God thinks about me and I know He’s proud of me!!!

  9. This has been an interesting read. Thank everyone of you. I thought it would be nice to say a few words since I am the only NOKOS so far to speak. I am 37 years old and have been in the Church all my life, no I am not a virgin, but many days I wish I could take it back. I get extremely lonely many times and want to have a good christain husband and good christain children and I do pray for this often. Come On! 37 and a NOKOS….

    I love the idea, Jim, of a blog. I am not a blogger but I could become one. I would love to share with everyone this quest for a single/single again ministry at the Church I attend over the next few months.

    I have been with my home Church for about 2 1/2 years and have finally step up to the plate and said “I want Us, the Church, to have a single/single again Ministry” and the leadership agreed… So yes, they are not mind readers. Myself and another gentleman are beginning to formulate a small core commitee of individuals to began our journey to a successful ministry and the key is ministry. There are so many things that singles can do within the Church that many married people can not do. Remember Paul spoke that he wished that all could be single like him and yes Jesus was single.

    I am praying that through this ministry I will be busy enough not to think of myself and the fact that I do not have a husband or children and am not having sex. Yes, I am using the ministry to stay focused on God and his word; which will help me understand better the importanc of waiting on God to bring I what he feel I need.

  10. I made it a rule to never be in compromising position: alone with a girl on the couch late at night watching TV, etc. It’s easier to not be tempted than to resist temptation.
    the blog comments are great. Invite your ministers, elders to join the blog if appropriate. We continue to try to change the world, one attitude at a time.

  11. I love that I am able to “save” myself for His Glory. God is so awesome in this part of my life. Yes it gets lonely sometimes, but God has been and is so faithful to bring love in different forms in my life to show me it is possible to live without being physically intimate.
    You don’t realize how much else there is to do till your doing other stuff. I don’t kid myself and think I have a lock on being celibate, it no picnic. Satan doesn’t rest till he can get you to compromise your purity. I just run to God for help because again its tough. The world tells you “everybody’s doing it” well I’m not and please to be as I am till God says otherwise. Yes I would be so pleased to be blessed with a marriage ordained by the Father. till then I wait. I am 42 yrs young and I am smarter and stronger, by the Grace of God, in Christ than I ever was at 20 yrs when I gave my life to Christ.
    I am happy to be celibate. One less thing to worry about!

  12. Ok, what is a NOKOS?

    I have decided not to date anymore as it is hard not to get in a tempting and eventually frustrating situation. Not that I don’t want to, but When I have sex, again, I want it to be with my new wife. I find it easier to just not date, that way I don’t get into trouble with someone I don’t what to spend the rest of my life with.

  13. NOKOS (one of the readers introduced that one to me) NO Kids Or Spouse. I remember the temptation of the single life. I chose not to go on dates. Finished school and spent alot of time with my daughter. It helped and kept me away from temptation.

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