Divorce Notes Week 5- Facing Loneliness….

Divorce Notes Week 5

FACING MY LONELINESS

It is almost impossible to explain how devastating the loneliness of divorce is……….

What is loneliness?                ….Nobody Understands

Rejection by the Ex                ….Traded in?

Rejection by family and friends   …you aren’t family anymore!

Isolation                                      …safer to suffer alone

Poor responses

  1. Self medication
  2. Promiscuity
  3. New Relationship
  4. Overdependence

Dealing with loneliness

  1. Being single isn’t that bad
  2. Learn from it (what could I have done better?)
  3. Make new (safe) friends
  4. Allow others to be helpful
  5. It takes humility (don’t be self absorbed)
  6. Serve others (easy to find someone else who is also in pain)
  7. Reach out to and learn to know GOD

GOD’s Message to You: “ The LORD is near. Don’t be anxious about anything, but in every situation by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to GOD. And the peace of GOD which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Phillippians 4:5-7

Relationship: The Joy of Being Loved!

MAKING FOR BETTER TIMES is the work of the Christian man and woman. It is the work of the church (the people). If we want something better for our communities, our nation and our world it is not our governments job, it is not someone’s else’s job, it is our job. What will we do today to make for a better world?

Walk in wisdom toward them that are without, redeeming the time.” (Colossians 4:5, ASV).

computerdate……………………………………uh, yes.

 

We need people to love and love us. We need people to pick us up when we are down and we need to pick up others. The flood relief in Louisiana is a beautiful example of brothers and sisters helping one another. Tornado relief, hurricane relief…..truly beautiful to see the church respond when there is a disaster.

Why do we wait to have a problem to get in gear? Look around! While it might be a beautiful day in your neighborhood, people are hungry and homeless everyday. Somebody you know is going through a separation or divorce. There has been an illness or death in a family. Somebody has lost their job and can’t pay the bills. Parents are struggling with raising their children. Grandparents are sitting in a nursing home alone. A college student is away from home for the first time and trying to fit in.

Ok! Do I have a point? I have two.

#1: Love deeply the people that you have relationship with. Hug the grand children and your parents. Kiss your spouse and children. Spend time with your friends. Go and reunite with relatives. It will be good for you!

#2: At church………….teens need mentors so spend time with them. Learn their music and their language. Play paintball and stop laughing at people who look for pokemon (out loud anyway) and who love Harry Potter. Get to know the why of a subject. Same with seniors. Most of our WW2 vets are gone. Tell the remaining ones thank you for saving our world. Thank all vets for their service, even the ones who struggle with life. If you see a person with an addiction problem, tell them about AA or Celebrate Recovery. If you know someone divorcing, tell them about Divorce Recovery. Send a text or card of encouragement. Make a phone call. Buy a coffee!

Be a family.

 

Divorce Recovery Week 4- Facing My Depression

Divorce Notes Week 4

FACING MY DEPRESSION

Depression often is manifested as a deep sadness

What is depression?

  1. our response to loss
  2. It is normal
  3. It is a healing emotion
  4. It is complex

Symptoms of depression

  1. Sadness
  2. Apathy
  3. Desire to isolate
  4. Mental fog
  5. Lack of energy
  6. Suicidal thoughts

Causes

  1. Hope deferred
  2. Anger
  3. Feeling worthless

Overcoming Depression

  1. Take care of your body (use of antidepressants and counseling may

be  appropriate.

  1. Get/accept help from others
  2. Control your thinking/ meditation can be helpful
  3. Discover the Bible/ Read scripture

GOD’s Message to You: “We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed but not in despair; persecuted but not abandoned: struck down but not destroyed.” 2 Corinthians 4:8-9pic1

Week 3- Divorce Recovery- ANGER!

WEEK 3- Divorce Recovery

In Divorce, there is a lot to be angry about!

  1. Betrayal by the one who is closest to you
  2. Hurt by lies
  3. Loss of dreams, plans and possessions
  4. Debt
  5. Loss of Reputation

ANGER IS LIKE KUDZU…IT GROWS FAST AND CHOKES OUT EVERYTHING ELSE!

Anger

  1. Sometimes you should be angry (but do not sin)
  2. When is it appropriate? What is the cause and how can I respond?
  3. It is evaluated by GOD

Unhealthy Anger

  1. Violence (you can’t kill em, even if you want to)
  2. Suppressing it (suck it in until you pop)
  3. Passive-Aggressive Behavior- (let’s act nice but be mean underneath)
  4. Getting Revenge (isn’t that a TV show???)

Healthy Expressions of Anger

  1. Release inappropriate control (your spouse didn’t listen to you when you were married and they won’t listen now)
  2. Avoid high conflict situations
  3. Exercise (burn that energy)
  4. Remember that GOD is our model…remember how kind God has been to you.

GOD’s message to you: “In your anger do not sin. Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the Devil a foothold.” Ephesians 4: 26-27

Week 2- Divorce Recovery …” How Long Will I Live With This Pain?”

WEEK 2- Divorce Recovery

You may ask “HOW LONG WILL I LIVE WITH THIS PAIN?”

  1. Will I  Ever be Happy Again?
  2. I Can’t Stand This!
  3. Where do I Go From Here?
  4. I feel literally TORN from my spouse, my dreams, my life….

Grieving Your Marriage

  1. Don’t avoid it
  2. Don’t rush yourself
  3. Take a personal inventory
  4. Take care of your body

Roadblocks to Recovery

  1. Stuck in your past ( you don’t live there anymore)
  2. Being unsafe (you don’t have to test the waters)
  3. Making divorce your identity (divorce isn’t your name)
  4. Numbing pain (drugs, alcohol, sex, work…don’t solve it)
  5. Unnecessary sufferings (pick and choose what works for you)

God’s message to you: “the LORD has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the broken hearted…to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion….Isaiah 61:1-3manalone

Why Do Churches Treat Singleness Like a Problem?

“Don’t worry, you’ll find the right man,” she said to me (for the third time) just before shoving me into the dreaded gaggle of single ladies waiting for the bouquet to be tossed.

“Well, what if I don’t,” I asked. “What if I never meet the one? What if I never get married or have kids or ‘settle down?’ Will you still value me?”

It’s a question I have been faced with numerous times in my thirtysomething years: If I remain single, what will that do for my ministry, my growth, my friendships and my relationship with the Church?

Sadly, no matter what I come with, all options seem to be saturated in placating words, pitying eyes and aggressive attempts to set me up. But here’s the thing, in almost all arenas of life, I actually like being single (save for when attempting to recover my comforter after washing the duvet, move a dresser or play tennis). I have chosen it, for now at least.

If I remain single, what will that do for my ministry, my growth, my friendships and my relationship with the Church?

I get to do what I want, when I want, how I want. I am not embarrassed if I sleep until noon on a day off. I spend my money where I want. I can walk around my house in ratty clothes if I want—because I am not trying to impress anyone. When I have popcorn and string cheese for dinner, nobody cares.

Can it be lonely at times? Sure. But it’s also freeing.

Please don’t misunderstand me, I do wish to be un-single one day. I do want to have children, and I am not opposed to dating. I am not rejecting all potential relationships and I love the concept of marriage, I really do.

Marriage is a beautiful picture of Christ’s love; it absolutely is a gift. I am thrilled when people I love get engaged, and I’ve honestly never been to a wedding where I didn’t cry. I have incredible examples of marriages sprinkled all over my life. I am a sucker for a good romantic comedy.

Marriage is a beautiful picture of Christ’s love; it absolutely is a gift. But marriage is not God’s only gift.

But, marriage is not God’s only gift.

And it is not the central focus of my life’s trajectory, either. Though, to my disappointment, it feels like until finding “the one” becomes my top priority, I may never fully fit into the mold many within the Church long for me to embody.

At the age of 29, I was turned away by couples-only small groups, told by the attendants—some of my closest friends—that we were no longer in the same stage of life, then placed in a group with recent college graduates. I was once implored to get further involved with the church I was attending and after choosing the prayer group was told it was off-limits, as praying with a married man could cause him to stumble. Oh, and I’ve been told that I will not truly know what it means to love until I am married with children.

Recently, a friend confessed that for many years she was dying for a life partner, because her pastor told her this was the only way to heal previous wounds. She eventually got married and within only a few years, she was divorced.

While much of the New Testament speaks of multiplying the Church through community, missions and outreach, it seems like we have a greater focus on growing the faith through marriage and procreation.

“The church disillusioned me,” she told me, “life didn’t get better, instead I was my same broken self. And while I should have gone to counseling, I turned to my husband to fix me, to heal me and that was a huge mistake.”

While much of the New Testament speaks of multiplying the Church through community, missions and outreach (and even implores people to stay single), it seems like we have a greater focus on growing the faith through marriage and procreation.

Think about it like this. If you were to get married around 25, be married for about 40 years, lose your spouse at 75 or so and live to be 90 years old, you’d still live almost half of your life single. That’s a significant amount of time! We as the Church need to recognize that although being married is a beautiful thing, so is being single—neither position trumps the other in matters of value or authority. We are blessed to have diversity of experiences among us.

Paul says it likes this in 1 Corinthians 7:7–8:

I wish that all were as I myself am. But each has his own gift from God, one of one kind and one of another. To the unmarried and the widows I say that it is good for them to remain single as I am.

Read more at http://www.relevantmagazine.com/life/why-do-churches-treat-singleness-problem#VqWD37aZpEgxmxWX.99

Divorce Recovery – Week One

WEEK 1- Divorce Recovery

What is happening to me?

Effects of Divorce:

1)     Emotional instability- “I’m losing my mind”

2)     Shame- “I feel judged”

3)     Low energy- “So tired”

4)     Stress and anxiety- “Wear and tear”

5)     Confusion- “You can’t function”

a)     Why won’t the pain end?

b)    Why do I still love my ex?

c)     Why do I feel relief?

6)     Accepting what is happening isn’t easy

a)     Don’t deny pain

b)    Don’t start a new relationship

c)     Reset expectations

GOD’s Message to You- “I am …despised by my neighbors- even my friends are afraid to come near me. When they see me in the streets they run the other way. I am ignored as if I were dead, as if I were a broken pot.” (Psalm 31:11-12 NLT)